Group of Biologists

A group of biologists are traveling in a truck to conduct some research in a hilly region, when the driver loses control of the vehicle. The truck overturns and runs down the hills, crashing at the bottom & killing all the biologists.

All of them arrive in Heaven. They are all asked a question, "If you are in your casket and you could hear your friends and family mourning about your death, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy who is a good botanist says, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the best botanists of all time, and left an eternal contribution to the world of botany."

The second guy who is an ornithologist, says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful birder and made a huge difference in the recovery of our bird populations."

The third guy, who is a scruffy mammalogist, replies, "I would like to hear them say... 'LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!' "

car van

mr smokey

Tip to recognize where a driver comes from

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Has to be from Chicago.

2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Has to be from New York.

3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: Has to be from New Jersey.

4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Has to be from Boston.

5. One hand on wheel, one hand on non-fat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap: Has to be from Los Angeles.

6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Has to be from Ohio, but driving in California.

7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Has to be from Italy.

8. One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game: Has to be from Seattle.

9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: Has to be from Texas.

10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: Has to be from West Virginia.

11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Has to be from Florida.

A guy goes to a travel agent to book a three-week cruise for himself and his wife. A few days before the cruise, the travel agent informs the guy that the cruise is canceled, but he can get them on a seven-day cruise instead. The guy agrees & goes to the the drug store to buy seven medicines for motion sickness and seven condoms.

The next day, the agent calls again to inform now he can book them on 10-day cruise. He guy gives his confirmation and goes back to the drug store to buy three more medicines for motion sickness and three more condoms.

Two days later, the travel agent calls once again to inform that he has a 15-day cruise available now & whether the guy would be interested in taking it. The guy again says he is ok with it & goes back to the drug store to buy five more medicines for motion sickness and 5 more condoms.

Finally, the attendant at the drug store asks him, "Man, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"

16 years later

One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children. Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car. So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach. When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well. 16 years later 16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?" "What?" I pissed out a bullet. So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago. Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet." So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago. Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?" The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet." "No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!"

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"  "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"